Adoration Page 2

  Morgan shook his head.

  ‘Did Mariette send the invitation?’ Ralph asked.

  ‘Mother did. She paid them a visit and hand delivered it herself,’ Morgan whispered. ‘They said they would be delighted to come but I am not sure if mother received apologies or something since.’

  ‘But she hasn’t turned up tonight.’

  Morgan sighed and didn’t answer. He glared back at the house, as if it was the large, sprawling property’s fault that it was empty of the one woman he most wanted to see.

  ‘There are about two hundred and fifty people in that house about half of which I don’t even know and have never met before. Those I do know are passing acquaintances. We are not good friends. They are, however, all highly regarded in society but, right now, I don’t give a damn if I never set eyes on any of them again. This damned evening has taken weeks to arrange. It has cost a veritable fortune and far too many servants to pull together. Even so, I would trade it all for just one hour with her here tonight.’

  Ralph stared at the trees bordering the manicured garden they were sitting beside. Everything was pristine; the lawn was neatly cut; the bushes had been trimmed to perfection. Even the flowers in the borders stood militarily upright as if not daring to droop. Even so, ball aside, Ralph new that Morgan’s life was far from perfect.

  ‘You cannot go on like this. You need some sort of distraction,’ Ralph suggested when he saw Morgan’s misery.

  ‘Don’t you dare suggest I find a lover. The last time I followed your advice I ended up nearly having to marry the damned chit,’ Morgan snarled.

  ‘When was the last time you saw her?’

  ‘That harridan?’

  ‘Sissy.’

  ‘Last week. She went into the village for provisions,’ Morgan admitted, carefully not mentioning that he had made a point of being in the village when he had known he was most likely to see her.

  ‘So you made sure you were there to see her.’ Ralph guessed anyway. He knew that for someone like Morgan to go to town specifically to see a woman made his interest more meaningful than he was letting on.

  ‘I have tried not to,’ Morgan admitted with a heavy sigh. ‘Before you tell me to do something rash like go to London for several months, I warn you now that I have tried that. I have tried to take lovers and lose myself in other women but nothing works. Sissy is always there, deep in the back of my mind, waiting to haunt me. Lovers make me feel guilty. I always end up thinking about Sissy, wishing it was her with me, and regretting what had happened with the other woman, even though I am a single man who is free to roam. Going away makes me want to come back just to see her. Moreover, I am angry that I must leave my home to try to get her out of my head in the first place. It’s hopeless.’

  ‘But that’s the problem. Sissy is in your head. You cannot out-run this, Morgan. Wherever you go she will be there because she is in here.’ Rather than tap his head, Ralph tapped the centre of his chest.

  Morgan knew that Ralph was aware of his infatuation with the curiously delightful Miss Sissy Finchley, a somewhat impoverished woman from the other side of the village. He just didn’t think that Ralph knew just how much Morgan had fallen for the ineligible Sissy Finchley.

  ‘Why her? I mean, you have a ballroom packed full of stunning women, all highly coiffed, well connected, well-bred, and charming, yet you want someone you cannot have,’ Ralph murmured. ‘Is it that you are, secretly, trying to tell yourself that you want a challenge? Maybe it is just that your life is a little – staid? Maybe you are secretly just yearning for something different, and Sissy is it because she is of marriageable age but not in your somewhat boring world.’

  ‘Are you calling me boring?’ Morgan lifted one dark slash of a brow and glared regally at his friend but then ruined it with a grin. ‘Life is bloody boring. Touring the ballrooms of ton makes me want to go and count the curls on the wallpaper. It is far more interesting than listening to someone I don’t like very much extol some young woman’s virtues in the hopes that I might be stupid enough to marry her. It is always the same thing. Meet and greet, circle and mingle, pretend to smile and chat with people who I don’t like very much about shit I really couldn’t give a damn about. Watch the clock go around and wait not so patiently for the moment that I can leave and get home so I can be myself again. It is bloody ridiculous.’

  ‘So leave it all behind,’ Ralph urged. ‘I confess that I am not as wealthy as you but I am far more content with my lot. My town house is far smaller than your mansion but is more than enough for me. I need to count the pennies and have a less complicated kind of life than you but I don’t have the problems either.’ He glanced over his shoulder at the house. ‘Do you ever think about giving it all up and going away? Just leaving it all behind and being someone else for a while?’

  ‘God, yes. Every damned day. The walls are so thick in that house that sometimes I wonder if I have any more freedom within them than a prisoner in gaol. I mean, I am woken up at six sharp and presented with the same breakfast every day. Precisely forty-five minutes later, Harries arrives to prepare my wardrobe. I read the newspaper in my office, deal with my mail, and then leave to sort out estate matters. Each day is the damned same. The only break to the routine are the social functions I am dragged to, and I say ‘dragged’ because if I had a choice I wouldn’t bother with any of them. They are tedious, boring as Hell. All of it makes me wonder what the purpose of it all is. One day, I am going to die and leave it all behind for some poor sap to take over. The problem is, I don’t think I am ever going to look back on my life and be proud of what I have achieved. I was handed this estate to run by my grandfather but I haven’t had to set anything up or really establish anything. It was already running smoothly before I moved in. I am just another backside sitting in the office seat with the title of Lord before me; someone who approves what the tenant farmers request. I need to do something more worthwhile with my time. I need a purpose.’

  ‘You don’t think a wife and family would bring you that.’

  ‘God, no.’

  ‘Not unless you can have Sissy as your wife and a family with her,’ Ralph sighed.

  Morgan contemplated that. ‘I don’t think that even Sissy could make me want to stay in this kind of life. It is suffocating. There is nothing to do.’

  ‘Maybe that is the problem? Maybe it is the fact that persuading Sissy to see you as a man rather than the Lord of the realm is a challenge.’

  ‘It is more than that. I felt this way about her when I was fifteen years old. Each day it has grown with me. I cannot stop it,’ Morgan hissed. ‘Believe me, I have tried.’

  ‘Well, hiding out here isn’t going to solve anything, is it? Sissy isn’t here. I doubt she will turn up now, especially if she sees how many are here. Besides, that lot in there would eat her alive if she did turn up. Sissy is nice, kind, gentle. She isn’t prepared for life amongst the vultures in your ballroom. They would eat her, spit her out, and move on to the next victim without even pausing for breath.’ Ralph met Morgan’s steady stare. ‘Remember that. Bringing her into your world might just destroy the very thing that you love. If you take any creature out of its natural environment it can die.’

  Morgan took a long swig of the brandy in his bottle and stared moodily out across the water as it burnt a trail down to his stomach. It hovered there and made him feel sick. So much so, he glared at the bottle and dropped it onto the grass beside him. Eventually, he couldn’t stand it any longer and launched to his feet.

  ‘Venturing back inside to wrestle with the matchmaking mama’s, are you? You are a very brave man, I will give you that much, Morgan,’ Ralph sighed as he pushed to his feet.

  ‘No. I am going to see if Sissy has arrived. If she hasn’t, I think it is high time I went to find out why she is not here,’ Morgan replied firmly. ‘I mean, if mother and Mariette didn’t think she would be able to mingle with the other guests they wouldn’t have invited her. They aren’t into ritual humiliation of the
impoverished in our village.’

  ‘But they are impoverished,’ Ralph replied.

  ‘Yes, I know that,’ Morgan snapped. ‘Sissy and her aunt might have fallen upon hard times but it was through no fault of their own. They were once well connected and moved about in the same circles mother still frequents. Norma used to attend balls just like this one. It isn’t anything new to her.’

  ‘But Sissy was what, fifteen when her father died?’

  ‘She was about to have her coming out but it all got cancelled.’

  Ralph sighed heavily. ‘But even so, the social functions she attended before then were few and far between and nothing like your ball.’

  Morgan stopped and turned to face his friend. ‘Just what are you saying?’

  ‘That Sissy isn’t used to functions or life in a house like yours, Morgan.’

  Morgan stubbornly refused to accept what Ralph was hinting at. ‘There is no reason why my mother couldn’t teach her what she needs to know about surviving in a house like mine, or running it, or even attending social functions like this one.’

  ‘But Sissy clearly doesn’t want to or she would be here,’ Ralph argued.

  Morgan mentally cursed because he knew that Ralph was right. ‘Maybe something has happened to one of them.’

  ‘Well, you won’t know until you go and see if they are all right. What I think you should ask yourself before you go charging off to make sure she is alive and well is why you have not done something about the way you feel about her before now.’

  Morgan contemplated that but could see no reason to lie to his friend. Ralph knew everything anyway. When he spoke, his voice was full of the harsh reality of his situation and was somewhat cold. ‘Because I know how badly the odds are stacked against us ever being able to find happiness.’

  CHAPTER THREE

  Sissy stared out of the window of the sitting room at the empty street beyond. Opposite, a long row of terrace houses each had lights on. They all looked warm, cosy, occupied, and inviting. Sissy, meanwhile, sat in a darkened house which was sparsely furnished, cold, and far too quiet.

  ‘Are you there, Sissy?’

  Sissy sighed heavily. ‘Yes, Aunt Norma. I am downstairs. What’s wrong?’

  ‘Have you seen my shawl, dear?’

  ‘It is on the end of your bed, Aunt Norma. I am sure you can lean down and reach it.’ Sissy struggled to keep her impatience out of her voice. She knew her aunt was perfectly capable of finding her shawl. It was right where she could see it. Norma, her mother’s sister, was just in need of company that was all and wanted Sissy to go upstairs to provide it.

  But I am not feeling very sociable right now.

  She knew exactly why but was trying not to think about it too much. Just thinking about where she should be was more than enough to make her sigh despondently.

  ‘If there is one thing Norma likes it is having someone dote on her,’ Sissy muttered in dismay. She tried not to be bitter but this was not how she had planned her life to turn out like. ‘I am nothing more than a companion. I am not a wife, a mother, or a lover. I look after an aged relation, but with no money or prospects.’

  Deep in the back of her mind she knew that in stark contrast to her situation, Morgan Rothersham, Lord Campton, was enjoying hosting his autumnal ball. Determined not to make her misery any worse, Sissy blocked out all thoughts of him, and forced herself off the window seat. Closing the shutter, she ambled into the kitchen but had no idea what she was doing there. The only option she had was to go upstairs and keep her aunt company, but that was something Sissy balked at.

  ‘Great, so now I have to wander aimlessly through the house in search of something to do.’ In disgust, Sissy returned to sitting room, to the chaise where she had left her book. Opening it, she tried to read but the words began to swim around on the paper and were impossible to focus on. When she did manage to get it all under control, her mind refused to absorb what she was reading. All she could think about was Morgan; where he was, what he was doing, if he was happy.

  Of course he is happy. He is at a ball you cannot go to.

  Sissy contemplated whether she would have gone if she really had the chance to.

  ‘No. I don’t think I would,’ she admitted reluctantly and felt a heavy weight of despondency settle over her. She knew why.

  ‘Oh, my dear, Sissy?’ Norma exclaimed from the doorway.

  Sissy jerked in surprise. She had been so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t heard her aunt descend the stairs. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I forgot to send our apologies to Lord Campton,’ her aunt cried, wringing her hands in dismay. ‘He is going to think it very remiss of me for not sending our apologies before now, especially since I told Miss Mariette that we would be attending. Their ball is tonight, isn’t it?’

  Sissy closed her eyes and tried to keep hold of her patience. She had hoped that Norma had forgotten all about it. Having hidden the invitation the day it had arrived, Sissy hadn’t dared mention it for fear of Norma wanting to attend. The last thing Sissy wanted was to chaperon her aunt to Morgan’s ball and have to stand and watch Morgan enjoying the company of the eligible women present.

  Now that would be rubbing my nose in my situation.

  Sissy sighed. ‘I don’t think they are going to give us a second thought.’

  Norma took a seat in a winged chair beside the fireplace and shook her head, her thin lips pursed in disapproval. ‘But we must mind our manners, dear.’

  ‘Well, I am not going to turn up in the middle of their ball to tell them that we cannot attend,’ Sissy snapped firmly. When she spoke next, she mentally crossed her fingers and prayed to God that she was forgiven for her lies. ‘I confess that I forgot it was tonight as well.’ She carefully avoided her aunt’s pointed stare that warned Sissy she didn’t believe it for a second. Before Norma could probe her about it, Sissy dropped her book onto the table beside her and rubbed her hands together. ‘Now, seeing as you are down here, how about a nice cup of tea?’

  ‘Yes, I think that would be rather nice,’ Norma murmured thoughtfully.

  Sissy hurried out of the room. But, while she might be able to avoid her aunt’s careful scrutiny, Sissy couldn’t ignore the fact that her thoughts remained locked on Morgan. Her adoration of him was foolish really because Morgan rarely came to visit them. When he did, she didn’t doubt his mother had forced him into it.

  Face it, he doesn’t even know I am alive. His connection had been with my father when he had been alive. Now that he has passed, Morgan has no interest or connection to us. He calls by out of family duty because he is too well bred to shun us like everyone else has.

  ‘I wish he didn’t call upon us,’ Sissy whispered. It hurt to even see him.

  When she realised just how miserable she was starting to feel, Sissy squared her shoulders, sucked in a deep breath, and focused on the preparing tea instead.

  ‘He has a hold on you, that one,’ her aunt announced from the doorway.

  Sissy mentally cursed. She had been so focused on thinking about Morgan – again – that she hadn’t realised her aunt had followed her into the room. Sissy turned to look at her with faux confusion. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘Oh, I think you do,’ Norma murmured knowingly. ‘I might be in my sixties but I am not blind, dear. I see more than you realise. I was young once you know, even if it was many years ago. I know that look in your eye. Besides, it isn’t like you to avoid anybody yet you do everything possible to avoid Morgan. It says everything about how you feel about him.’

  Sissy closed her eyes and tried not to panic. ‘Do you think people know?’ Sissy hated the idea that people might have seen something she had thought she had kept well hidden.

  ‘You don’t move about in society anymore, my dear. People think you are shy,’ Norma assured her. Personally, she felt it was a terrible waste of a young life but Sissy refused all invitations, including the one to Morgan’s ball.

  Sissy took her tim
e putting a pot of water on to boil and then added some more logs to the flames. But eventually, with nothing else to do, she had to turn and face her aunt.

  ‘He belongs in a different world, dear,’ Norma said softly.

  ‘I know,’ Sissy murmured with tears in her eyes. ‘I have known that all along. I cannot avoid it. If I am honest, I cannot remember much about the life I had before. It has gone and has taken my memories with it. They belonged to the child I was, not the woman I am now. It doesn’t do any good to think about them. Even so, I cannot ignore my situation now. Morgan belongs in the life I left behind. We both know that.’

  ‘I am sorry, dear,’ Norma murmured.

  Sissy offered her aunt a brave smile. ‘Well, we are all right here, aren’t we? We have enough to get by, don’t we? There is nothing to be sorry about.’

  Norma nodded but when their eyes met, Norma’s were wise and unconvinced. ‘You will find someone who can bring you what you need, my dear, it just cannot be Morgan.’

  In other words remember your station in life.

  ‘I am happy with my life as it is, thank you very much. I neither want nor need a husband. Father left me enough to live off, you know that. So long as I am prudent, there is no reason why I cannot live as I am for the rest of my life. Nothing has to change. I certainly don’t need to find someone to look after me. Times are difficult, but it is for everybody. We have managed all right so far, haven’t we?’

  Norma looked sad. ‘But your life should have been considerably better. You don’t go out anywhere, or live. You exist. Those books of yours are really nothing more than an attempt to live someone else’s life, aren’t they? What about your own life?’

  ‘There is nothing wrong with reading. A person can learn a lot about the world from reading. At least it is safe, and not too expensive,’ Sissy objected. ‘I don’t see what the problem is. I see nothing wrong with my life.’

  ‘The problem, my dear, is that you have not stopped to consider what you are going to do when I am no longer around. Can you see yourself here, all alone, for the rest of your days?’